So, this poem came about from trying to write about my depression. I’m not sure at what point God became involved but it seemed like a fitting connection to make. While I used to be quite the anti-theist, I’ve sort of mellowed out a little so this poem isn’t intended as an attack on theists, however, the interpretation is no longer in my hands.
If I was God, I would cry myself to sleep each night.
Silent sobs, that shudder through my body,
because no-one should hear me weep.
The sun would never rise and I
would cloak myself in night,
hide between the darkest colours I
could think up and unmake the stars.
Do not look for me in photographs,
I am not there, you’ll never find
the face I hate nor
the image I am made in.
My name would be unknown,
you’re so much easier to ignore that way
and whilst I’m twisting language,
I’d turn pleasure
into a dirty word,
thinking it would make the guilt drip out,
like poison from the serpent’s mouth –
see how it spreads.
If you tried to build a temple,
I would tear it down.
Kill the ones who love me most and
leave the rest to wonder
what went wrong.
Cameron Holleran 